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95 Springlake Drive, Moneta, VA 24121 •
540-721-4000
BEFORE
AFTER
I’ve watched with awe as the geniuses among us have
kept the improvements coming over the decades. Life
just keeps getting more comfortable, more convenient,
and more entertaining. We are cool in summer (even
in our cars), warm in winter, and we can communicate
anywhere. I hate to say it, but phones are even taken
into bathrooms these days. I’m trying to imagine what
type call can’t wait until our bathroom requirements are
met and our hands washed. Clearly these people weren’t
raised by my mother.
I’m old, but I don’t want to be one of those cranky, out-
of-touch old people. I want to be likable and to keep up
with technology. I want to know what my grandchildren
are talking about. I’m on Face Book. I know how to
scan documents. I’ve had an email account for ages
- well at least 18 years. I know how to take a picture
with my phone. I’ve had a computer since 1985, and an
iPad for the last four or five years. My music library is
on an iPod, and I regularly shop Online. I know what
LOL, OMG and TBT mean. I even occasionally use the
“F” word, which by the way may be the only thing that
hasn’t been improved on since I first heard it 76 years
ago. Through the ages, the old “F” word continues to
be widely exploited all over our planet. Plus, it seems
to be politically acceptable, even in this finicky age of
labeling.
Going “green” with utility companies, the credit card
folks, and my bank didn’t seem like a stretch for me.
Plus, by getting our statements and notifications
electronically, I was saving time and natural resources,
which equates to halting global warming, feeding the
hungry, and promoting peace, all from the convenience
of my air-conditioned, central-vac-in-every-room,
track-lighted, wireless-equipped home.
To take this to the next level, I will quote Mayor Barry
once more, “The laws in this city are clearly racist. All
laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist.” You may
remember that Barry was arrested for illegal drug use
while he was mayor.
He was right about one thing, however: the law of
gravity is most certainly racist. It targets old white
women. In hopes of undoing some of the damages of
gravity, I opened a “face-lift” savings account with a
windfall of $500. Another $4,000 or $5,000 would “take
care” of the most visible problems. Within a fewmonths
of opening the account, the unexpected happened. I
needed towithdraw a little over $100 for laser treatment
on unwanted facial hair, because the laws of nature are
also racist and hate old white women. Anyway, what is
important is that I had a balance of nearly $400 when I
“went green” with my bank.
Pay attention now. The bank gave me a “passbook” to
my savings account, just like in the old days. When I
withdrewmoney I couldwrite it in, andwhen I deposited
money they wrote it in and stamped a date and gave
me a paper receipt. With this account, I was entitled to
interest just as soon as Greenspan, or whoever replaced
him, authorized it. What I didn’t know was that my
face-lift account was being reported on my electronic
checking account statement... Yep! Right there,
waaaayyyyy down at the bottom of the page, among the
other numbers and columns.
Did I tell you that I’m 80? Well, I was 78 then, but what’s
a couple of years when you’re 80? Since my eyes are just
as old as my brain, I didn’t see the face-lift account on
my checking account statements. I didn’t see it for 12
months or more. I only saw it then because I noticed a
charge authorized by my bank tomy bank in the amount
of $12.50. After some electronic investigating and two
wireless phone calls, I learned that I was being charged
$7.50 for “inactivity” and $5.00 for “maintenance”. In
total, the bank had taken over $130 out of my face-lift
account. Banks, as well as gravity, hate old women it
seems.
Initially I was charged $7.50 per month for “inactivity”;
however, as the months slipped by the account balance
dwindled until, finally, it dropped below $300, which
gave the bank the authority to add another fee of $5
for “maintenance”, because it was a $300 minimum
account. In other words, I’d be financially ahead today
if I had put my money under my mattress instead of in
the bank.
It’s at times like this that I use the “F” word. My hand
to God, however, I did not use it during phone calls to
the bank, my congressman, the attorney general, 60
Minutes, or Channel 7. I simply screamed it into my
laptop.
The bank agreed to refund $50 to me. So, I’m only
out about $75. Needless to say, I closed the face-lift
account, and resigned myself to living with sagging
jowls and the knowledge that my bank robbed me, and
it’s not even against the law. I also decided to go back
to paper statements so my 80 year old husband can
look them over too. After all, two sets of old eyes have
got to be better than one. Someone told me it costs the
bank about $5 to generate a paper statement. I figure
sometime in 2017, they’ll have burned through what
they took from me.
